Last week Taylor Swift announced her second surprise album of 2020, evermore. Her first album of the year, folklore, was released in the summer and it was absolutely brilliant. When I read the news that she was dropping the sister album I was amazed – it seemed unreal – my next thought was “If I were not alive, I wouldn’t be able to experience a year with two surprise Taylor Swift albums.”
Then, I realised that it was one the first times I had been thankful to be alive in a very, very long time. I know it sounds dramatic – believe me, I know how shallow it sounds to say a Taylor Swift album made me happy to be alive.
This year has been devastatingly hard for all of us. It has been one long global groan after another. There’s hardly anyone who has been unaffected one way or another and for many of us, it’s been a challenge to remain hopeful.
Realistically, I don’t think this has been my worst year to date. We’ve had to move twice, and we’ve cancelled lots of plans, but jobs have remained stable and family safe. That may sound out of place or selfish to say and I apologise if it causes offense. I simply mean – this year was difficult, but ten years of ongoing depression and introverted-ness mildly prepared me for a year of isolation and world-wide panic. It wasn’t the pandemic that’s made this year miserable – just plain old depression.
Depression has had an active role in my life for ten long years. Some seasons it has been lighter than others – sometimes it’s barely noticeable and I can almost convince myself it was an imagined flaw, a hormonal fluke that’s passed. Then it returns, doubles in force and catapults me into some hazy half-life.
October 2019, depression nearly overwhelmed me. It came, fully fledged and determined to conquer, it stole a lot of joy for the next few months and when it seemed to be loosening its grip – March 2020 arrived. It has been a dark season since then. It’s as if I have been pushed to an edge I already stand too close to.
Depression often blots out my will to live. Not always in an active suicidal, pull a Plath way. More so, I find myself hoping to just dissolve into nonexistence. I don’t think this is unusual, certainly not for people who really struggle with depression. Sometimes, it is just too much. It’s not always a dramatic stock market crash or personal loss that pushes someone to the window ledge. Sometimes it’s the accumulation of being sick, the compounding years of loneliness, displacement, and exhaustion. Sometimes, I just want off the ride. I want it all to stop so I can have a moment to breath, to rest, to escape this earthly existence marked by our separation from God and punctuated with our brokenness. I ask myself if praying for nonexistence is cardinally wrong or is it just a sign that I should have been an Old Testament prophet?
Martin Luther wrote to his dying father:
“If it is his divine will that you should postpone that better life and continue to suffer with us in this troubled and unhappy vale of tears, to see and hear sorrow and help other Christians to suffer and conquer, he will give you the grace to accept all this willingly and obediently.”
In university, I used this quote to justify that my lack of interest in life was okay – heaven is my ultimate home and I know, we all know, that life on this earth will not be easy. We will be stumbling through struggle after struggle until we’re given the merciful relief of that better life.
However, I, we, are still called to be obedient in this life and we are commanded to Rejoice! Whatever the circumstances, the loneliness, the trials, the uncertainties.
I’m not very good at following that command. But the Lord brings us to situations in our lives where we clearly see our weaknesses and disobedience so we can purpose to obey in those weaknesses and surrender those parts of our life to Him. Personally, I think I would have made a great martyr years ago because I’m genuinely unafraid of death (partly because I am, at times, uninterested in life) but the Lord does not seem to have that for me. Instead, He has commanded me to press forth in this life, to rejoice, to be glad, to behold His coming, and to trust that he will give me the grace to accept that willingly and obediently.
A dangerous response to anyone who is depressed can be to assume they are a negative person. It’s not only a possible misconception, it can be quite damaging. It's helpful to remember you're speaking to someone who is in great pain. As I do not understand the struggle of many illnesses I cannot always speak to their specific ailments or proffer cures, but I can offer compassion and friendship - that's mostly what people in pain need. But unfortunately this isn't what happens. Either we blame them and presume it is a product of their own pessimism and laziness, or we endeavor to ‘solve’ it and ‘fix’ them.
While intentions may be pure, what if it doesn’t go away? What if everything is tried, every plea made, and it simply spreads – a cancerous toxin palpating through the body? Sometimes it just doesn’t go away. And I am learning to find a suprinsing comfort in that. I find comfort knowing that some things will plague our whole earthly life because then, instead of desperately searching for cures and Pinterest remedies I can pour energy into learning how to live graciously and joyously, depression and all. I can spend my days (and sleepless nights) asking how this will make me more compassionate? How will it strengthen my faith, my reliance on the Lord? How will the Lord use this in my workplace, in church, if we have children?
How will I continue to walk in obedience when I’m ready to give up?
How will I find joy in existence? How will I be obedient to rejoice and be glad in spite of depression?
I read this blog recently recommend by my sister-in-law. One of the author's posts is a list of gratitude. 40 points of thanks to celebrate her 40th birthday. It was a good reminder to physically make of list of experiences or moments that make me grateful to be alive.
So, back to Taylor Swift. I’ve just had a birthday as well, but I think in the light of this year I’m going to stay on theme and keep my list to 20. I’ve also purposed to not make it a list of general gratitude.
I know I am beyond blessed. I know that my breath, my general health, the warmth of our home, the safety our of lives, and the love of our families are all immense gifts. I grew up in the third world. I am not naïve to my privilege and experience the daily guilt of knowing my own abundance and still facing depression. So, I wanted to challenge myself and write a list of 20 gifts, experiences, enjoyments, whatever that elicit the same response as Taylor’s surprise album – awe and gratitude at being alive during this time. Because this is when and where the Lord has intended for me to be alive.
Some of them are shallow, some are silly, some are sweet, and I certainly don’t expect you to read them all but it was a good exercise. I hope it can be an encouragement for someone else to write their ‘Reasons to Rejoice’ list even if all they can scribble down is a good tasting biscuit and a friendly chat with a stranger – those things are good and all good things are gifts that come from Him.
Before I start writing my silly list of things that keep me pursuing life, I’ll leave you with some serious words of hope by Spurgeon - words that most definitely say more than I ever could about the Lord's closeness and grace.
“Sickness may befall, but the Lord will give grace; poverty may happen to us, but grace will surely be afforded; death must come but grace will light a candle at the darkest hour. Reader, how blessed it is as years roll round, and the leaves begin again to fall, to enjoy such an unfading promise as this, 'The Lord will give grace.'”
Some struggles will not go away in this lifetime. That is okay. It is more than okay. I can be and I strive to be obedient as I experience the brokenness of this earth, humbled to find comfort in Christ.
Little List - Rejoice
Corporate Worship – It’s been rare in 2020 and I cannot wait for our church to burst at the seams again as the body rejoices with praise. During the pandemic our church has been reading hymns together at the end of services. While we are not singing, it is still a joyous occasion to worship with the saints. I can hardly imagine the elation we will experience when we can do this for all eternity.
Lavender – It’s lovely. I have some living on my window ledge and each morning when I open the blind their resilient fragrant little buds greet me. My own edelweiss.
Sitcoms – Jeremiah always laughs out loud when I’m watching Friends or New Girl. Even if he’s not watching with me, when he hears Nick Miller or Chandler spout off a funny quip, he gives a robust guffaw. It’s a wonderful sound.
Foxes – A few months ago Jeremiah and I were cycling home very late at night. As we crossed through Midsommer Commons we spotted two foxes trotting along the path ahead of us. We stopped, they stopped, sat and stared around for a bit before skipping off into their midnight hunt. It was a brief, magical moment of Cambridge wildlife.
Calvin & Hobbes – Childhood nostalgia aside, I’m always happy to read philosophical wit from a cynical six-year-old and his imaginary tiger. I think if more people read Calvin & Hobbes, we would have a better grip of our own depravity, our innate ingenuity and our perpetual need to build character.
Spikeball – A game well known to anyone who attended a Christian summer camp in the Southern United States, Spikeball is one of Jeremiah’s favourite pastimes. I only learned to play this year and it has brought about some unexpected joy and lots of laughs. We took his set to the beach for our anniversary trip and I’m sure we were the only people on the Suffolk coast playing Spikeball but it was a lovely way to spend our time.
Folklore – Just like evermore, I was ecstatic when Taylor Swift announced her first surprise album of 2020. My favourite moment of this year will probably be my best friend facetiming me from across the ocean so she could watch my face as I opened the news link she had sent. It’s not only wonderful to have a best friend – it’s wonderful to have one who shares my taste in music.
Gaslighter – Similar to my gratitude at being alive during Taylor Swift’s musical career, I am thankful I was able to experience The Chicks long awaited 8th studio album. The Chicks hold a special place in my family. Their CDs were on heavy rotation during any given evening or Sunday afternoon growing up. I have really fond memories of my dad dancing to “Ready to Run” with a cold glass of Coca-Cola in his hand while helping my mum with Sunday lunch. It was a neat gift to have another collection of their songs. Mostly, I am grateful to have heard their song “Young Man.”
Saturday Calls – One of my closest friends works as a nurse in Memphis. Her morning commute is nearly an hour and a half. For a few months she has worked Saturdays so during her morning drives we have called one another, passing the time with stories, updates, and encouragements. It has been a really sweet time for me – a good reminder of our friendship and the Lord’s provision through it.
Short Stories – More specifically Tom Hanks’ short story collection, Uncommon Type. My parents gave it to me for my birthday a few years ago and I read it immediately. I’ve just finished a short story writing course through Cambridge and now I’m going back through the stories with more appreciation. I think it was serendipitous that Tom Hanks, a regular in my movie line up, wrote short stories on a typewriter. And again, I have to remind myself that we are told to rejoice on this earth, to delight in the Lord as He provides these seemingly impossible gifts.
River Earn and Laggan Hill - A frequent walk when we're in Crieff. Rain or shine I find it magical - both familiar and breathtaking.
Cheez-Its - This may be the shallowest one on the list! I haven’t even had any this year but I’m just happy to live in a world with something as delicious and void of nutrition as these baked snacks. There’s no day so terrible that a family sized box of the Parmesan and Sharp Cheddar blend won’t help, even just a little.
Apothic Red Winemaker’s Blend – No I don’t eat Cheez-Its with my wine, but it seemed fitting. I know not everyone drinks, I’m not advocating for it, but if you do enjoy wine you should try this one. It’s more than just an easy blend to me – it co-exists in memories with my best friend, with Jeremiah, with game nights in Jackson TN and evenings watching rain pound into Mississippi gardens. It’s formed an allegiance between me and my father-in-law. And most recently, it was shared during a meal with our dear friends here in Cambridge. And since these friends have good taste, I felt even more validated in my love for this wine.
Musical Parodies – My guilty pleasure. I have no problem spending over an hour watching parodies on YouTube. Jeremiah laughs at how much I love them. If you need an introduction, watch this one on 2020 by the Holderness Family. Don’t judge me for my low class humour.
Ronald Weasley – Eek! This may me more controversial than the wine. I know he is not everyone’s favourite character, but I have always loved him and his realistic attitude. He opened his home and family to Harry unquestioningly. As someone who’s traveled to new places alone and spent a lot of time in guest rooms, Ron’s open armed friendship to Harry means a lot. When they stopped speaking to each other in the fourth book I cried an excessive amount, lost trust in Rowling, and seriously did not want to finish the series. It wasn’t worth it to me if Ron wasn’t Harry’s best friend for each adventure. I’m just really happy to live in a world where Ron Weasley exists.
Friendship in marriage - I think this year has changed a lot of people's relationships. I'm fond of the friendship that's grown between me and Jeremiah. It's easy nature has been brought on by hours alone and lots of time packing suitcases together. It's good to remember on the bleak days that our commitment is one of love and friendship.
Saudades – It’s a Portuguese word meaning ‘you’re missing from me,’ ‘hope all is well,’ ‘nostalgia,’ all at once. I’m sure it has a host of other meanings as well. It’s used quite frequently but I don’t think that lessens the depth of its meaning. It’s really a profound sentiment to share between friends, family, places, and times. I’m thankful to have known such a word for so many years.
Sally Thomas – A new literary find this year. My dad forwarded some of her poems and I have since fallen in love with her work. You can read more about her here. The first two I read were published by Plough, an online Christian magazine. My current favourite stanzas are from her collection, Motherland:
‘Your love is in the kitchen making coffee,
And although you may never think
To mention this wet eye in its shallow
Cistern – because, let’s face it,
Rain falls on rocks every day –
You might pour water on it now
And again, make it brim, an unspoken
Endearment that won’t spill over,
So that maybe in the afternoon some bird
Will light there and drink.’
P.G. Wodehous – Another literary friend who has made time pass this year and who’s skill has proffered a few, genuine laughs.
Advent - Last, I truly delight in the season of advent. I marvel at Christmas lights. I love the thrill of setting up our tree and the instant coziness it provides. I love the quietness of winter and how the hush of nature reminds us to be still, and behold the coming of Christ.
